i likedys.

I like this... I like this. :)

na gugutom ako!

YES. Word to the bird! Hahah.

Update in a few..

condolences.

My condolences go out to everyone who have been affected with the loss of a friend(s)/family during this winter break: Joey Lai & most recently JT. I didn't know either but I have friends who were close friends with them. It's really tough seeing and hearing how everyone's coping. Parents outliving their children is something that you're beginning to see more often & it's such a sad thing. People MY age passing or dealing with chronic health issues that they shouldn't go through, but that's all a part of life. Being born, living life & then eventually dying.

I only pray that my friends & family stay healthy so that I, God willing, won't have to go through a tough loss like everyone.. at least not right now. Yeah, its life & yeah there are people that I know that are going through really rough times health wise - but I pray that they'll pull through. I know they can.

On the flipside.. Everyone's gotta live life to the fullest. Everytime we think about what we want but hold back, only imagine that maybe tomorrow - you won't have that chance because of shrug* idkk.. unforeseeable circumstances. Stop being a pussy and just do it up. Lol I mean idk how else to say it. Just take the extra risks & live life. Have no expectations, so you won't be disappointed. Do what your heart tells you cause you can always fix how your head feels with meds, but you can't easily fix your heart YAAADIG!?

Well that's my two cents. Everyone stay healthy, stay up. Condolences go out to everyone who's been trying to deal. Love & prayer goes out to Ris - babygirl you WILL get through this<3. &andto my Lolo Ben who has been dealing with alot & hasn't been in the best shape. =T For now, take care world. One day, you'll see brighter days.

all mine in '09!

Clearly from these last two entries you could pick up lack of sobriety. HAHA Not even gona lie, I was on that goodshit these last two nights thanks to some special people out there. :) Bangin ass brownies I tell ya! Tuesday night went over to Adrian's to pick up Ben but Yulie & booboo were there so we just chilled for a few. Ate one brownie & didn't feel shit til like an hour latertil I started  trippinthe fuck out, had the munchies when I got home & hoped that my mom didn't pick it up cause me & Ben ate hellllla & couldn't stop. Nigga was chuckin food at me to stfu. Hahah. Wednesday night chilled w/ some Willy P & JSB niggas (Kat, Alyssa, Irwin & Aedan; Adrian, Miron, the broski & Gleb). Headed to Sultana to hookah but it was packed so went to Shahrezad or whatever tf its called. Definately got on that brownie grind again & didn't feel anything til like 2 hours later when we were leavin the trucks around 1230. AHAHHA I was really trippin off balls. Alyssa said I was hysterical & that's what it sounded like in the video lol.& it took us 10 mins to get from 18 to Panera? How fast were we going? HAHA cuz shitt. That's not too normal? Got home around 1:30 & felt like I was flying til I forced myself to go to bed around 2 lol. Woke up around 5 hella hungry. Sat around for awhile. I swore I checked the clock and it said 6:01. Then I felt like an hour went by and  I checked the clock again and it STILL said 6:01. Hella tripppin! Woke up at 11:30 completely MISSING my dr's appt which was at 11. HAhaa all because I got high..

 

Mm so I got a new mentality intact. FNG$. That's what I'm talkin about. Fuck niggas, get money. Stay on my grind, payin no mind to anyone that comes my way on the relationship tip. Fuckthat. It's all mine in '09 baaby! :)

because I got ..

I just had one of those moments where you're like "Shit. ________________, because I got high." Hahaha. I was supposed to go to the dr's for a check up at 11, but I totally slept thru it -- because I got high. THANKS to you know who for your delicious goodies! You guys made the banginestttt brownies, evah! :)

Update more later. Peeeash.

HELLO HI

I AM SO HI.. YA TU SABES MAYNE. FEEL GOOD IN 09. SUP! ;]

good days.

I just so happened to log onto my friendster & found these pictures that I posted on there. I assume the last time I really updated that thing was '05, hence the trend of these pictures. Talk about throwback! It's been three years! Feels like longer. But these were the good ol' days. No worries. Noone gave a fuck. Yeee.. these were the good days alright, but there'll always be better. :)

pakz jobelle rachel me @ cotillion practice - summer '05

me G and markdave in the back @ ate's debut. :)

reno cotillion heads @ ate's debut!

choi me G @ meadowood mall in reno.

jill me maymay lb rin - ben's 16th birthday '05.

keep on, keeping on.

I've never felt so moved by a movie in my life, but fuck. I really felt this one. PS I LOVE YOU. Sure, I'm not married nor did my husband die - but I definitely felt the emotion, the words he left her with, the way she felt. I didn't cry; I sobbed. It was one of those uncontrollable embarssing type your kids are getting taken away from you kinda unrealistic but realistic type sobs. In the first 45minutes of the movie, I cried. I haven't cried the way I cried watching this in SO LONG. I felt the emotion & it brought me back to losing the person you cared for the most. The one person that you'd give your anything for. Many call it love, but as for me... I wouldn't want to call it that & I don't wanna admit that it was either cause mines felt shortlived. Eh, I guess it felt that way but I still know I'd do anything for that person no matter how shittttty he can be & how much better I deserve. You know that once you feel it, you know it's something different that you've never felt felt before. There was something said between Baby & her mom were talking to each other towards the end. It was something like:

"I bet you've had a hard time walking into a room full of people on your own, right? Yeah. I know that. I know what it is not to feel like your in the room until he looks at you or touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense, just to let everyone know... you're with him. You're his."

Only the best feeling in the world. But how does this relate to my life? Okay this probably doesn't even go with the quote, but I could probably talk circles about this until I get that necessary closure. See, the whole point of that "joke" wasn't to teach a lesson. Oh no no no. It's cause I couldn't and can't let go. It's so easy to say, whatever it was just a temporary "thing." But it doesn't really help when you are often reminded of that person. As much as you just want to be freed from any thought of that person, they're FOREVER lingering there. On that super sappy level, it could be Idk an m&m or a hairclip or idk.. a red solo cup (these have no significance to me, btw. Well.. the hairclip but haha whatever). BUT whether you like it or not - they're there.

I don't really know where I'm going with this.. All I really wanted to talk about was how good the movie was cause I felt every look they were mesmerized by, every touch she that permeated her body&soul, every the heartstabbing pain. HOYEAH, I was hella emoting. I've just never felt so strongly about a movie before. Well duh Renee! It's cause you could relate. Yeah yeah I know. I always think about this person whenever I hear that HELLOGOOBYE song Here in Your Arms especially when that line comes whispers hello, I miss you quite terribly. Maybe cause before we had drama a whole big mess came in, there was always something there but of course one of us has to go crazy apeshit bitch. AJFKAJFAKSJF My bad, it's called being overwhelmed at the idea & finally settling and accepting it in our & hearts and heads. BLAAAAH.

I wrote this Feb 27, 2007:

"So reading back.. I just realized something. I miss him. But yaknow, it's cool cause we're both "content" people. And it's cool that he randomly calls me to say hi. And it's cool how it's the little things in life that he does make me appreciate knowing him...."

Okay sigh* I'm done. Things don't change. Why? Because we don't allow ourselves to get over that hump of changing. It's a brand new year. I need to free of this this emotional bondage (no pun intended) I strapped myself down with. I need to go into this year with an open heart & an open mind. How am I gonna do that? Just gotta keep on trekking; keep on trying; keep on living and keep on.. keeping on.