'09s gon treat me better.

Went through hella in the last 12months. Seesaw of life? Fsho it was. Didn't expect to go through everything I went through. As much as I don't wanna admit it, this year kinda revolved around a certain someone who definitely threw me in for a loop. I learned a lot about myself: my priorities, my capabilities - mentally and physically. The experiences & people I encountered - just wow. I don't know where to start..

Its been so hard narrowing down 2008s life lessons because there have been so many. It hasn't only been life lessons that helped me grow this year, but moreso a certain someone who despite his ridiculous ways, despite the fact that every now & then when I look back at what went down I still manage to say outloud and with passion, "I hate you,"despite the fact that even though I can still say that I hate him, I still catch myself missing him, despite the fact that he can't be easily contacted, despite the fact that he's a plain as hell ASSHOLE -- still helped me become a better stronger person. I didn't realize it til I looked back at some of my old entries, but even with his periods of disappearing - he still played a big role in my year. His presence was still felt even though he wasn't around, but when he was around it meant alot & I cherished it. & then this whole mess of summer came along & even though my elation was shortlived, I got to exeperience a whole lot. I can't even buck up to read past entries about him cause it still hurts. Eh I'm probably contradicting myself.. But THANKS A BILLION to him for teaching me a whole shit load about myself. I'm stronger & wiser because of you. But you're also the one who made me think twice about saying "Niggas ain't shit." Thanks for everythinggg...

.... I still went through a whole buncha shit.. Started new beginnings & ended those new beginnings. Do I regret anything? Hell no. You live & you learn fsho. I feel truly blessed to have gone through all the things that I went through this year & because of it, my whole mentality of life has changed for the better. I wanna live more (even though I still sleep hella!). Forget living life with restrictions, if you're gona do it -- do it up big or don't do it all feels me!? [;

To be less in depth, I did it up BIG this year! Went to Cali/Reno for a month which made me the happiest of people but also tore me to shreds. Me & the boys threw a banger at the end of the summer which was fuccccckin wild! I chilled with a whooOole lotta new people. ;] Kicked it with hella new crowds. Played the game, got played BY the game. It's all a learning process & I can't say it enough, but I'm glad I dealt with it all. With that said, '08 you been good but I think '09 gonn treat me better!

OH and.. song of the year? ONE NIGHT STAND - JAZMINE SULLIVAN, but nah I wasn't a one night stand at alllll. But jewknow... Can't explain but.. HAHA yeee. [;

thank you.

"There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."

- Chuck Klosterman

So true. As much as you suck as a person & as much as I tried to let you have little influence in my life, you influenced me a lot. & you'll probably never see this. But thanks.

this christmas.

As I get older & the longer I work in retail, the less impact the holiday season seems to have on me. I wish I didn't have to work during the holidays, but I need that paypah. ;[ Anyway, this year was no different from the past. Spent Christmas Eve at my Tita Glo's house & opened presents at midnight. Got Chestnut Ugg Mini-boots from the parentals which was no surprise & a Dooney & Bourke wristlet from my Titas. Spent Christmas Day at my Tito Jhig's house & got some dinero. Ate hella & just spent time with the family. I don't think I'd ever want to spend Christmas with anyone but my family. It's such a family oriented holiday, why would you not want to spend time with them?!

Despite the fact that I did spend time with my family & that I did enjoy myself, I feel like I'm still waiting for that extraordinary Christmas with my whole entire family together. I say this every year & probably will say this until it happens, but I truly envy those who get to spend their Christmas with most (if not all) of their cousins. Lord knows how much I appreciate mine, with the little spent with each other every couple years. If I had the money to, I'd round the whole family up and send them over here just so we could do a big holiday shebang. Blahblahblah. I wish.

OH & I went to mass at 11:30 with the fams and honestly, I was thinking some super not for Church type shit. HAHA. Me & my girls always talk about how during sex, people think about other things. & we agreed that does happen, like thinking about what's going on later that night.. or what's on tv.. or what you're in the mood to eat after sex - yaddayaddaya! This clearly ISN'T something I should be thinking about during church, but it made me laugh. AND THEN lightbulb went off in my head! If we do that during sex, then priests must do it during mass! I mean it's kinda the same thing right? They're supposed to be focused on concecrating the bread & wine, but maybe they're thinking about what they're doing later also! Hahahha ohmaaan, think about it. It's so true! -=P

vlog #1.

randomosity.

Xo SH4L4N3 oX (2:35:38 AM): almost everything about you screams sex

Xo SH4L4N3 oX (2:35:43 AM): well not ALMOST everything

lady g0t s0ul (2:35:44 AM): HAHA WTF

lady g0t s0ul (2:35:49 AM): i dont get it

Xo SH4L4N3 oX (2:35:53 AM): but idk you give off that sex vibe

According to many people who I've spoken with (won't mention who, well obviously beside Shalane), I apparently give off this sex vibe. WTF? Lol who wants to explain that one!? Shrug*

Anyway, I'm finally on break as of Wednesday when I handed in my portfolio for Critical Writing. :) I definately give myself a B- on my effort level this semester. Definately shot up from zero level of effort. I still don't think I did well even with some effort I put in cause my classes were harder. Whatevah. I'm ready for whatever next semester brings ! On another tip besides school & such, just chilled at escuela this week. Played with H2O lots which was fun! Went to GSP & Babo on Wednesday & got hella new phone charms. I should take pictures of them. They're cutes! Headed to Applebees around 10 with my DEEPHERS! which was mad fun. Ended up chillen a lil longer with my biggy & Krissy, talking about the randomest shit ever. I looOove them! :) After we got back, chilled in MJ & Joni's room with all the boys who happened to be celebrating the end of the semester in their not sober states. ;)

Thursday was Roomies birthday,but I woke up hellla early to chill with one of my homies. HELLA THUMBS DOWN & won't even get into that. >=| Afterwards, took a long ass nap then went to Paneras with H2O. Bought Roomie some balloons for her berdday, specifically a Nemo one, Barney & "IT'S A BOY!" one. Hahah hella funny. Got back to campus & got ready to go to UYEES! Yumyum for half off sushi! Spent like almost $50!? Fuck. That means we bought at least $75 worth of sushi. HAHA crazies. Thought I was gona chill with one of my homies when I got back to campus, but I just chilled with Laane. We were talking hella ghetto for a good half hour! HAHA it was hilarious.

Friday I woke up early cause my dad called asking who was gona pick me up & yaddayadda cuz it was gona snow out. Well it did snow HECKA crazy up north, but when I got home - nada! It was okay & drivable. Just stayed in cause I didn't feel like braving the ridiculous weather.

Saturday woke up & went to work. Did nothing for 7hours cause nooone was at the store - yay & nay! Kriqlo came to visit & I hella missed her so it was nice catching up with her. Beez picked me up when I got out & then we headed to the city. I got my tragus pierced ($25) & a new bell for my tongue ($10)! -=) It's hella sore, but I looOove it! I wanna get something ballsier done next. AHH we'll see ! Actually, I'm getting the second hole on my right ear done cause I didn't get it done at the same time as my left ear , duh I know. But yeaeee! :]

Sunday (today/yesterday whtaevs!) went to church then to the hall to set up for my ma's work's xmas party. It was okay and then I started getting hella restless so I left and went home to pick them up a couple hours later. When I got home, I watched the GIANTS GAME! WOOHOOO ! Homefielddd advantage! :DD I'm so souped. Bangin ass plays & yaddayaddaya. WAard shit on everyone tonight! 34-29, hate the number 34 but yayuh! :D

get it in.

anonymous (4:02:30 AM): this is so childish

lady g0t s0ul (4:03:11 AM): what?

anonymous (4:03:23 AM): if u want to get it in too

anonymous (4:03:28 AM): dats all u gotta say

anonymous (4:03:34 AM): not beat around the bush

anonymous (4:03:37 AM): lawl

lady g0t s0ul (4:03:53 AM): lol why is that what youre implying?

anonymous (4:04:04 AM): ok

anonymous (4:04:09 AM): now act slow

anonymous (4:04:15 AM): lol but yea

I wasn't acting slow! I was just trying to see what this person would say, bahahaha

retraction.

I keep letting you back in.
How can I explain myself?
As painful as this thing has been, I just can't be with noone else.
See I know what we got to do.
You let go & I'll let go too cuz noones hurt me more than you & noone ever will.
-- Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill.

I retract the last post for reasons I'd rather not share so hah! Siiike ya minds! I take back the whole "hundred thousand trillion times better" feel good mentality. Sigh* that's life & we go through that lessons learned stage. I just gotta keep on trekking. Trek trek trekking..

Anyway I think I bombed my politics final. I didn't know there was gona be 15 questions on it so I was there for extra long. On the upside, I got an A & A- on my papers! I don't think they count alot, but every little bit helps. With San Jose State still in the picture, I'm still kinda focused but I don't wanna delve into that topic right now. OH & I'm thinking Cali for Spring Break? Hope so. :]

not a player, i just crush alot.

I agree with papi chulo on his stand of BAS. Clearly in my case, N - A - S. Niggas ain't shitttt! I'm keeping him anonymous for HIS sake (I'm too nice of a friend) cause he claims that he's "known all around the world (sweetie)" and doesn't want it affecting his pimp game. Well he didn't say the last part; I'm just assuming.. hahah jerkoff. Gettin his dick wet for nothing.. jaykay. ;] So yes I'm back on my griiind & contrary to last week's heart dilemma, I feel a hundred thousand trillion times better! No, I didn't take one for the team but I'm just got that feel good type state running through me even with 3 finals and a portfolio due in the next 48hours. YIKES?! Whatever. As long as I've got 'distractions' in my life, I'm good. Keeps me entertained fsho!

There's a down side and up side to Big Pun's song Still Not A Playa. I could look at the superficial side of it & think "YEEE! I'm not a playaaa. I just crush alot." On the contrary, I can look at it and be like "ZaAamn playin that much & still don't have nobodyyy." Well right now, fuck the contrary! Winter breaks commin up & just gotta STAY having fun, feels me? Hah okay so random as hell but.. some people just blazed a couple windows down & the smell definately drifted into my room. Smells real good & hopefully I'll have some fun after finals that has something to do with the words we & ed in it. HAHA.. Who's down!? Let's celebrate forrreal! [;

fancyshmancy.

I went to a fancyshmancy "Holiday Celebration" at Hobart Manor with Shalane tonight (er, yesternight?) because she had the most pledges for the phone-a-thon thing that she works for. At first felt hella outta place cause everyone was acting all fancyshmancy until this woman, Dr. Gibson, came and sat with us. She definately calmed the air a whole lot, telling us about herself - a dean at CUNY - Medgar Evans College. After awhile, we mingled & ate (goood food!) and then she came back around to give us business card. We end up speaking to her again & she mentions that someone she had met was an editor of People magazine. At that point, a big huge alarm went off in ours heads & we were all ears. The way she spoke to us about these functions & networking kept me interested. In my three years of being in college, I've never felt so moved by someone. I definately felt her honesty & integrity when she was telling us about how we should go upon things. Once we were satisfied with the quickly learned, life long knowledge she had downpoured upon us we were off. It felt good cause I felt like here we are, taking us under her wing just for the night. Ended up meeting some good people: an former Dean of Study Abroad (?), principal of the Academy of Performing Arts in Paterson, and a handful of people on the Board of Trustees/Alumni Foundation, Mrs. Spert - WPU's president's wife (she was so sweet & even insisted we called her Myrna(sp?).

Despite the awkwardness at the beginning of the night, I felt good when I let there. The best way of dealing with situations like that (never having attended anything of that nature) is to be thrown into it, having no expectations. Aside from the whole business aspect, I felt like I was in Blair Waldorf's world, ahaha, mingling with others over a glass of spiced wine, lox and other hors d'oeuvres. There were hella oldies but goodies, many being benefactors of WPU. But yeah, suuuper good night. As much as I had a good time, I didn't realize how tiring these things could be! Even though it was one function, it gives me an idea of how wealthy people may look at these things. It's like continuing your 9-5 job for another 2-3 hours just so you could get your foot in all the right doors. Hey, whatever works right?

On the other hand, I have 3 finals and a portfolio due for next week. I'm on a time crunch & must finish everything by next Tuesday at 4:30 in order to be able to head to the city on Wednesday & go see Grease on Broadway. :) I'd like to say that I hope that goes as planned, but ha. You know things never do.

& just to end it off. Short story! I used to be.. umm 'cool' (for the lack of a better word - siiike. I just can't mention what kinda cool, but that's pretty obvious now isn't it? ;]) with this person on campus, but haven't spoken with them since.. uh October? I saw this person 3x last week, but they didn't see me. Hella laughed about it but brushed it off thinking okay, that's all. Welllll! To my surprise, as I was on my way to class on Tuesday I saw this person! We were crossing paths & didn't get to say hi to each other I guess cause we were both caught by surprise considering we haven't seen each other since then. Hella laughed & brushed it off again until I saw that person again today! I was walking back to my dorm, you know.. jamming out to some Keyshia Cole & I see this person walking thinking maybe thats the person I know! & well well well it happens to be them! In my head I'm like "Fuck fuck fuck!" and as we cross paths, this person stops me & says hi, asks me how it's going & gives me a hug. Awkwaaard turtle as hell! I haven't seen/spoken to this person all semester and it just happens to come down to the last few days at school when I see them. Totally pointless of me to mention that, but jewknow. I just had to. Hahah okiedokessss. That is all. :)

pride.

It's 3am & I'm feelin all sorts of emo. Been thinking alot about everything. School & someeee..thing/person/one.

School wise - I honestly don't know what I'm doing and I envy those who have the slightest idea and foot in the direction they wanna go in. At least they have an idea as opposed to me. Been thinking a lot about the what if's of becoming something I've been fighting off for the last how many years of my life all because of what? Pride. All because I don't wanna do it cause everyone else doing it. But what if I'm supposed to? What if .. compared to the other 200+ kids in the nursing program here at William Paterson University, I'm the one who's ready & willing to put their whole heart in it? Then I started thinking about the whole thing, the whole picture. Would I be ready & willing to just drop everything here and go to a place nothing like it? Would I be able to drop everything I've known for the last three years and just get up and go? Whole heartedly, I can honestly say I can't. But there's something I know that I would totally be ready & willing to get up and leave everything for. COOKING. Shitttt, I know I barely have experience in the kitchen besides baking, but its stuff like that excites me. It's being in the kitchens & high end food markets that really excites me. I love being around it. I'm stuck. Psychology isn't what I want. If it's really something I wanted to do, then I'd be taking all these super crazy credits for it. I'd be super excited to be majoring in it and super motivated to do what I have to do -- but I'm not. I chose Psych because that's what I need in order to get my masters in Speech Pathology. But it's not what I really want. With my third year here, where does that leave me? Do I continue doing what I'm doing only because I'm pretty much in it (I have 2 years left of psych, plus another 2-3 years with speech pathology)? Do I move on and do nursing, leaving behind everything I've known these last few years? Or do I finally get the balls to put my foot down and tell my parents what I really wanna do is cook for the rest of my life because that's where my true happiness sits? I'm Stuck & helpless.

I've been thinking a lot about something.. okay fine someone also.. & everything that happened between me & him. I hate bringing this up cause I feel like I'm always talking/thinking about it as much I try not to. I don't wanna say I regret it, cause I really don't regret anything I do in my life. But this is something I just wish I thought twice about. Don't get me wrong, I take it now as lessons learned but it's one of those things God had to make me learn, but it started waaaybackwhen I was still in that "haaAy girl! crushin type mind frame" Didn't think much of it, until I started to look back on it & then realized - DUH, there was something there. Okay fastforward to '07 & the beginning '08 with the "okaysomethingwasthere" mindframe. Random phone calls & text msgs, lightswitch emotions & confusing type bullshit. Didn't believe it at first, but then it started getting real good. He started to prove me wrong.. one minute "Gimme a chance, it'll be different" & then the next, the usual nothingness. Built up only to be broken down. Fastforward to the summer. Put me on that giddy type business. I knew what he wanted but still went with it. WHY? Because I liked knowing that I had him around my finger. Stupid stupid me. Did something I didn't think I'd do & then what? Besides already knowing that I've had some type of feelings for him, I copped some more feelings. FUCK - big mess. Being there - even bigger mess. Destructive for me emotionally, but I really had to deal. I was low beyond low. Talked it out or so I thought we talked it out. "So what now?" "What do you mean what now?" "Say what you wanna say or else you'll never be able to say it." FUCK. I shoulda said it. I thought I had more time to. I thought I'd be able to pull him aside for even 5minutes and say "LISTEN. THIS IS WHAT I'M THINKING & THIS IS WHAT I'M FEELIN." Too bad the last day I saw him, my pride took over. I walked around like "NIGGAS AINT SHIT" feeling like "HEY! The old me is back! The old me before this mess came along!" When I saw him, I smirked at him and walked away thinking "HAAAA ! You don't phase me," of course that came with the whole PRIDE deal. & then I left feeling like shit. Thought there'd be time for some last minute fun, but no. Thought there'd time for me to go back to him & finally share what I really felt, but no. It didn't go the way I thought it'd go.. not at fucking all. As much as I still wanted to be there knowing that HE was there, I wanted to get out. Never will forget the day I left. It broke me to tears: "You give it one more chance, just like the time before. But he already knows you'd give hundred more, until that night in bed . You wake up a sweat. You're racing to the door, can't take it anymore. I was burned, but I called it a lesson learned." & then the "biggest mess" happened. FUCK. Hahah okay so whatever got over it. I guess it was a test to see what he'd do but he didn't give two shits about it. It definately showed me his character & how he'd react.. "GOD FORBID." What a disappointment. But despite the fact that the "biggest mess" happened, I STILL have the urge to just run back. & hope he'd be there to run to Call me weak, but there's always that one person who'll keeps fucking up, but you'll still keep going to them. The only difference is that even if you keep running to that person, he's never there. Fuckfuckfuck. Complicated situations.

&then it came to me. Maybe I'm just doing what girls do, overanalyzing things but this is the only thing that seems logical. Sometimes you have to end things right before they begin. Sometimes as much as you want it for yourself - you just pretend to act the opposite of what you really feel just so you don't end up getting hurt. Maybe by cutting it off right before you knew you could start to cop feelings, you'd salvage your own feelings and save yourself some time by not hurting & dwelling over the past & shoulda coulda wouldas. I don't even know if that makes sense, but in my head it does. Sometimes you have to end things just so you don't catch the emotional destruction. Maybe that's what he did. Maybe he played dumb acting like he didn't know what/how I really felt just so he could get me to think it's nothing. UGHHH IDK! Okayokayokay I'm done. I'm done. That's it. That's ittttt. Idk.

Feel free to comment?! SHRUG*

Fuck.

I don't want to major in Psychology but I need to in order to become a Speech Pathologist but.. what if I don't want to be a Speech Pathologist? What if I wanna be a nurse but have too much pride to admit that it's something that I wouldn't mind doing for the rest of my life? Fuck.