lack of sleep rambling.

It is 7:13AM & I'm surprisingly not sleepy but I know that when I crash -- it'll be bad. My day is hella jampacked. I got class from 930-1215 w/ my A&P exam at 930 and italian quiz at 11. When I get out at 12:15, I have to rush to my room and go to my dr's appt which is at 1:30 until 2:30. Wait around til 3:45 for my fadja to come scoop me up. Sit in traffic for a good 1-1/2hours so I'll be back around campus hopefully before 6. Hopefully make it in time to go get ashes, relax for a little and then chill with my sisters around 10 til whenevs.

AYDIOSMIO. It's crazies. With today being the first day of Lent, I haven't really figured out what I'm giving up. I was thinking of trying to better myself rather than give something up. I came up with a crazy idea of perhaps being nicer to people (whatever that means), but being nice to people = me being fake to 'em, so that's totally a no go. I did say better myself & not be fake in the process. TRILLS?! Trills. When I think of something.. I'll mention it..

Amyway, I had this urge to look at my pictures from California this summer & it just made me miss it infinity x over. This may sound hypocritical & immature & blahblahblah, but I hate when people rant on about how they miss Cali & shit but they've barely even been there/go there. Whatever enough of this hating mood.. I wish I could go back for spring break, but no tengo dinero. Hecka thinking about going back during the summer just to help my ate out with the girls and whatnot. Kick it with some cuzzos in Oxnard & the bay areaa! :) It'd be suuper fun to go for like 2-3 weeks. Not being 21 doesn't really bum me out only cause being there would be enough -- but being 21 would be an added perk ALL GOOD THOUGH cause I'm definately going back for my Lolo's 91st birthday in October, WHEREVER he'll be. Word on the street is that he MAY be in Reno, but shrug. Thinking about the location just gives me anxiety. Hahah. & I'm fsho just rambling right now..

That only reminds me! Earlier (err.. last night!) in human sexuality, all we did was talk up Nevada & the Bunny Ranch in Carson City & shit. It made me laugh cuz I kept saying Nev-aahhhh-duhh like the typical non-Nevada resident that I am & my professor was saying NE-VAAAAA-duh which is apparently how it's supposed to be said according to Nevadians that I know lol. Pointless to mention but whatevs! I was just so over hearing about the whole thing but nope someone would keep bringing it up. Geeez.

Arrighty. It's getting to look a little too bright & sunny out so I'm gona finish studying, shower & then start the rest of my dia. Hope everyone has a bueno as hell day. :)

pilopilo.

I just found this thing on Geekologie. It's freakin siiiick & everyone who knows me knows that I would be the one to clearly benefit from this invention. According ot the Pilo-Pilo site, it's for "People... [who] have the tendency of resting their cheek on their fist when they are thinking, daydreaming.. falling asleep." YUP YUP! It's all me baby! :)

Anyway I told myself that I should be in bed by 4, but between going online, getting ready for bed & just wasting time - I'm not done with the chapter I intended on finishing. I have my first a&p exam on Wednesday (er.. TOMORROW!) & I wanna start it off with a bang cause I need bangin grades this semester or else I'll never get to see the light of day, (academically) OUTSIDE of NJ. I'm getting second chances from my professors and I don't wanna take them for granted so I'm definitely taking advantage of it! (ie. For my online class, I've had 3quizzes due so far and haven't done any of them because I don't have the book & I usually forget. Wellll, he opened up quiz 1&3 for me to take which is fucken siiiick! Plus, I can take them twice and after you take them once all the answers pop up - duh - so when I retake it for the 2nd time I just plug them all in!)

I hope I can keep this up. I'm honestly proud of myself for putting this effort in. I've never done it before. I'VE NEVER STAYED IN ON A WEEKEND JUST TO STUDY. Cause shiiiit, I'm Renee fuckin Garcia & that just never happens! Welll, peaceezy for now. Hope noone forgets that it's free pancake day at IHOP! Happy Mardi Gras bitchz! :)

heebiejeebies & humongous smiles.

I hate when I get so curious and look thru old blogs only to find entries written about you. Sometimes I get the heebiejeebies and giggle with this humongous smile on my face, but sometimes it hurts like a thousand daggers just stabbing me in the heart. I won't liiie, I miss you so but boy you know I just wanna let go. But at this point in time I just can't. There's not enough closure for me to just drop it like its a piping hot plate. Yes, I'm letting this situation marinate cause I sure as hell haven't spoken to you since which kinda scares me cause I know how you are with your stupid lack of communication which makes me question why you even have a phone buuuut yaknow. I'm letting it marinate. I still DO wanna hear what you're thinkin in a more sober sense. ASFAJFAL THIS IS SO GAY. I mean seriously. Anyone who knows me knows that I, Renee-Rose Garcia, have never been rocked this way in my liiiiiife. I'm always the strong one who doesn't give a fuck about what you said but hellllloooo everyone! I'm human AND I GET WEAK TOO!

UGH.. You SUCK SUCK SUCK & this whole situation SUCKS. Our physical locations kinda suck & clearly don't work in our favor, but it always brings me to wonder "WHAT IFFFFFFFF..." or "MAAAAYBEE IF.." As really really really gay as it sounds, seeing you in my dreams sucks even more cause it gives me false hope and reality & geez I feel like nutto talking about this and telling the whole world how I feel, but we can never help what we feel - can we!? NO.

& that my friends is the end of my rant until later. I'm pooped! Ciao!

+weight, broke, bangin grades.

Just came back from drinking up top. If I didn't drink as much as I've been drinking -- I wouldn't have gained weight, I wouldn't be as broke as I am & I'd have BANGIN ASS GRADES. Oh well whatever maaaaayne! I'm livin it up.. :) Update later.

sigh.

I'm going to be alright. I'm going to be alright. I'm going to be alright.

If you see me, just tell me: "Renee, you're going to be alright."

=(

I'm going to be alright.

This week includes:

- the Steelers winning the Superbowl! Didn't think I'd be into the game cause my team wasn't playing (Giantssss!) but it ended up being a good game. 100yd td!? Coool!
- slipping on ice (Monday) & having some swollen soft tissue which leads to me being in a soft cast for three 4 weeks. Supposed to be three, but the doctor won't be in his office for the 3rd week so I'm stuck with this thing for another fucking week. GREAT.
- swallowing the ball to my black tongue ring the same day I slipped and fell on ice. I paid $10 for it! >=( s'okay cause Benji got me new bars, one with a heart & another with a diamond in the middle. Kinda trashy but classy! I like! :)
- getting sick & developing his kinda hot sexline type voice SLASH pre-pubescent boy type voice. Quite honestly, I like hearing my voice when I'm sick cause I wish that's how it always sounds. Hahah.
- him popping in and out of my life. One minute you're acting like it's all good, the next minute you're telling me that asjkfjafkla and then the next minute you're getting at me. NOT COOL.
- missing the all Greek mixer at APD because a) there was no way in hell I was getting up that mountain of a driveway they have. Last week I faceplanted & hell no with one foot not working, I definately wasn't getting the other one fucked up too.

Seriously not one of the best weeks in my life. I just want my social life back. I wanna be an asshole and go out drinking and all the fun stuff I was doing last week. Maybe this coming week I can even though its recruitment which I am ecstatic for. I hope we get a really great group of girls! :)

Anyway, to back track.. I've really been meaning to blog but my thoughts get all jumbled up and I never know where to start. In the past month so much has gone on so it's hard to pinpoint every little thing.. One of the major things is that Heather came to the eastcoast! The last time I saw that girl was in Reno 3, almost four years ago! It was hecka nice seeing her even if it was for a little bit. :) My immune system has been really shitty. This is the 2nd time THIS YEAR I've gotten sick. Not cool at all. Well I should go to bed. Mad stuffs to do tomorrow. Update soooOon! CIAO! :)

good life.

I've been out bullshittin/partying/drinking more than I've been class -- yet I've been all my classes. My life is bueno. :)

Update in a few!

i likedys.

I like this... I like this. :)

na gugutom ako!

YES. Word to the bird! Hahah.

Update in a few..

condolences.

My condolences go out to everyone who have been affected with the loss of a friend(s)/family during this winter break: Joey Lai & most recently JT. I didn't know either but I have friends who were close friends with them. It's really tough seeing and hearing how everyone's coping. Parents outliving their children is something that you're beginning to see more often & it's such a sad thing. People MY age passing or dealing with chronic health issues that they shouldn't go through, but that's all a part of life. Being born, living life & then eventually dying.

I only pray that my friends & family stay healthy so that I, God willing, won't have to go through a tough loss like everyone.. at least not right now. Yeah, its life & yeah there are people that I know that are going through really rough times health wise - but I pray that they'll pull through. I know they can.

On the flipside.. Everyone's gotta live life to the fullest. Everytime we think about what we want but hold back, only imagine that maybe tomorrow - you won't have that chance because of shrug* idkk.. unforeseeable circumstances. Stop being a pussy and just do it up. Lol I mean idk how else to say it. Just take the extra risks & live life. Have no expectations, so you won't be disappointed. Do what your heart tells you cause you can always fix how your head feels with meds, but you can't easily fix your heart YAAADIG!?

Well that's my two cents. Everyone stay healthy, stay up. Condolences go out to everyone who's been trying to deal. Love & prayer goes out to Ris - babygirl you WILL get through this<3. &andto my Lolo Ben who has been dealing with alot & hasn't been in the best shape. =T For now, take care world. One day, you'll see brighter days.

all mine in '09!

Clearly from these last two entries you could pick up lack of sobriety. HAHA Not even gona lie, I was on that goodshit these last two nights thanks to some special people out there. :) Bangin ass brownies I tell ya! Tuesday night went over to Adrian's to pick up Ben but Yulie & booboo were there so we just chilled for a few. Ate one brownie & didn't feel shit til like an hour latertil I started  trippinthe fuck out, had the munchies when I got home & hoped that my mom didn't pick it up cause me & Ben ate hellllla & couldn't stop. Nigga was chuckin food at me to stfu. Hahah. Wednesday night chilled w/ some Willy P & JSB niggas (Kat, Alyssa, Irwin & Aedan; Adrian, Miron, the broski & Gleb). Headed to Sultana to hookah but it was packed so went to Shahrezad or whatever tf its called. Definately got on that brownie grind again & didn't feel anything til like 2 hours later when we were leavin the trucks around 1230. AHAHHA I was really trippin off balls. Alyssa said I was hysterical & that's what it sounded like in the video lol.& it took us 10 mins to get from 18 to Panera? How fast were we going? HAHA cuz shitt. That's not too normal? Got home around 1:30 & felt like I was flying til I forced myself to go to bed around 2 lol. Woke up around 5 hella hungry. Sat around for awhile. I swore I checked the clock and it said 6:01. Then I felt like an hour went by and  I checked the clock again and it STILL said 6:01. Hella tripppin! Woke up at 11:30 completely MISSING my dr's appt which was at 11. HAhaa all because I got high..

 

Mm so I got a new mentality intact. FNG$. That's what I'm talkin about. Fuck niggas, get money. Stay on my grind, payin no mind to anyone that comes my way on the relationship tip. Fuckthat. It's all mine in '09 baaby! :)

because I got ..

I just had one of those moments where you're like "Shit. ________________, because I got high." Hahaha. I was supposed to go to the dr's for a check up at 11, but I totally slept thru it -- because I got high. THANKS to you know who for your delicious goodies! You guys made the banginestttt brownies, evah! :)

Update more later. Peeeash.

HELLO HI

I AM SO HI.. YA TU SABES MAYNE. FEEL GOOD IN 09. SUP! ;]

good days.

I just so happened to log onto my friendster & found these pictures that I posted on there. I assume the last time I really updated that thing was '05, hence the trend of these pictures. Talk about throwback! It's been three years! Feels like longer. But these were the good ol' days. No worries. Noone gave a fuck. Yeee.. these were the good days alright, but there'll always be better. :)

pakz jobelle rachel me @ cotillion practice - summer '05

me G and markdave in the back @ ate's debut. :)

reno cotillion heads @ ate's debut!

choi me G @ meadowood mall in reno.

jill me maymay lb rin - ben's 16th birthday '05.

keep on, keeping on.

I've never felt so moved by a movie in my life, but fuck. I really felt this one. PS I LOVE YOU. Sure, I'm not married nor did my husband die - but I definitely felt the emotion, the words he left her with, the way she felt. I didn't cry; I sobbed. It was one of those uncontrollable embarssing type your kids are getting taken away from you kinda unrealistic but realistic type sobs. In the first 45minutes of the movie, I cried. I haven't cried the way I cried watching this in SO LONG. I felt the emotion & it brought me back to losing the person you cared for the most. The one person that you'd give your anything for. Many call it love, but as for me... I wouldn't want to call it that & I don't wanna admit that it was either cause mines felt shortlived. Eh, I guess it felt that way but I still know I'd do anything for that person no matter how shittttty he can be & how much better I deserve. You know that once you feel it, you know it's something different that you've never felt felt before. There was something said between Baby & her mom were talking to each other towards the end. It was something like:

"I bet you've had a hard time walking into a room full of people on your own, right? Yeah. I know that. I know what it is not to feel like your in the room until he looks at you or touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense, just to let everyone know... you're with him. You're his."

Only the best feeling in the world. But how does this relate to my life? Okay this probably doesn't even go with the quote, but I could probably talk circles about this until I get that necessary closure. See, the whole point of that "joke" wasn't to teach a lesson. Oh no no no. It's cause I couldn't and can't let go. It's so easy to say, whatever it was just a temporary "thing." But it doesn't really help when you are often reminded of that person. As much as you just want to be freed from any thought of that person, they're FOREVER lingering there. On that super sappy level, it could be Idk an m&m or a hairclip or idk.. a red solo cup (these have no significance to me, btw. Well.. the hairclip but haha whatever). BUT whether you like it or not - they're there.

I don't really know where I'm going with this.. All I really wanted to talk about was how good the movie was cause I felt every look they were mesmerized by, every touch she that permeated her body&soul, every the heartstabbing pain. HOYEAH, I was hella emoting. I've just never felt so strongly about a movie before. Well duh Renee! It's cause you could relate. Yeah yeah I know. I always think about this person whenever I hear that HELLOGOOBYE song Here in Your Arms especially when that line comes whispers hello, I miss you quite terribly. Maybe cause before we had drama a whole big mess came in, there was always something there but of course one of us has to go crazy apeshit bitch. AJFKAJFAKSJF My bad, it's called being overwhelmed at the idea & finally settling and accepting it in our & hearts and heads. BLAAAAH.

I wrote this Feb 27, 2007:

"So reading back.. I just realized something. I miss him. But yaknow, it's cool cause we're both "content" people. And it's cool that he randomly calls me to say hi. And it's cool how it's the little things in life that he does make me appreciate knowing him...."

Okay sigh* I'm done. Things don't change. Why? Because we don't allow ourselves to get over that hump of changing. It's a brand new year. I need to free of this this emotional bondage (no pun intended) I strapped myself down with. I need to go into this year with an open heart & an open mind. How am I gonna do that? Just gotta keep on trekking; keep on trying; keep on living and keep on.. keeping on.