keep on, keeping on.

I've never felt so moved by a movie in my life, but fuck. I really felt this one. PS I LOVE YOU. Sure, I'm not married nor did my husband die - but I definitely felt the emotion, the words he left her with, the way she felt. I didn't cry; I sobbed. It was one of those uncontrollable embarssing type your kids are getting taken away from you kinda unrealistic but realistic type sobs. In the first 45minutes of the movie, I cried. I haven't cried the way I cried watching this in SO LONG. I felt the emotion & it brought me back to losing the person you cared for the most. The one person that you'd give your anything for. Many call it love, but as for me... I wouldn't want to call it that & I don't wanna admit that it was either cause mines felt shortlived. Eh, I guess it felt that way but I still know I'd do anything for that person no matter how shittttty he can be & how much better I deserve. You know that once you feel it, you know it's something different that you've never felt felt before. There was something said between Baby & her mom were talking to each other towards the end. It was something like:

"I bet you've had a hard time walking into a room full of people on your own, right? Yeah. I know that. I know what it is not to feel like your in the room until he looks at you or touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense, just to let everyone know... you're with him. You're his."

Only the best feeling in the world. But how does this relate to my life? Okay this probably doesn't even go with the quote, but I could probably talk circles about this until I get that necessary closure. See, the whole point of that "joke" wasn't to teach a lesson. Oh no no no. It's cause I couldn't and can't let go. It's so easy to say, whatever it was just a temporary "thing." But it doesn't really help when you are often reminded of that person. As much as you just want to be freed from any thought of that person, they're FOREVER lingering there. On that super sappy level, it could be Idk an m&m or a hairclip or idk.. a red solo cup (these have no significance to me, btw. Well.. the hairclip but haha whatever). BUT whether you like it or not - they're there.

I don't really know where I'm going with this.. All I really wanted to talk about was how good the movie was cause I felt every look they were mesmerized by, every touch she that permeated her body&soul, every the heartstabbing pain. HOYEAH, I was hella emoting. I've just never felt so strongly about a movie before. Well duh Renee! It's cause you could relate. Yeah yeah I know. I always think about this person whenever I hear that HELLOGOOBYE song Here in Your Arms especially when that line comes whispers hello, I miss you quite terribly. Maybe cause before we had drama a whole big mess came in, there was always something there but of course one of us has to go crazy apeshit bitch. AJFKAJFAKSJF My bad, it's called being overwhelmed at the idea & finally settling and accepting it in our & hearts and heads. BLAAAAH.

I wrote this Feb 27, 2007:

"So reading back.. I just realized something. I miss him. But yaknow, it's cool cause we're both "content" people. And it's cool that he randomly calls me to say hi. And it's cool how it's the little things in life that he does make me appreciate knowing him...."

Okay sigh* I'm done. Things don't change. Why? Because we don't allow ourselves to get over that hump of changing. It's a brand new year. I need to free of this this emotional bondage (no pun intended) I strapped myself down with. I need to go into this year with an open heart & an open mind. How am I gonna do that? Just gotta keep on trekking; keep on trying; keep on living and keep on.. keeping on.