'09s gon treat me better.

Went through hella in the last 12months. Seesaw of life? Fsho it was. Didn't expect to go through everything I went through. As much as I don't wanna admit it, this year kinda revolved around a certain someone who definitely threw me in for a loop. I learned a lot about myself: my priorities, my capabilities - mentally and physically. The experiences & people I encountered - just wow. I don't know where to start..

Its been so hard narrowing down 2008s life lessons because there have been so many. It hasn't only been life lessons that helped me grow this year, but moreso a certain someone who despite his ridiculous ways, despite the fact that every now & then when I look back at what went down I still manage to say outloud and with passion, "I hate you,"despite the fact that even though I can still say that I hate him, I still catch myself missing him, despite the fact that he can't be easily contacted, despite the fact that he's a plain as hell ASSHOLE -- still helped me become a better stronger person. I didn't realize it til I looked back at some of my old entries, but even with his periods of disappearing - he still played a big role in my year. His presence was still felt even though he wasn't around, but when he was around it meant alot & I cherished it. & then this whole mess of summer came along & even though my elation was shortlived, I got to exeperience a whole lot. I can't even buck up to read past entries about him cause it still hurts. Eh I'm probably contradicting myself.. But THANKS A BILLION to him for teaching me a whole shit load about myself. I'm stronger & wiser because of you. But you're also the one who made me think twice about saying "Niggas ain't shit." Thanks for everythinggg...

.... I still went through a whole buncha shit.. Started new beginnings & ended those new beginnings. Do I regret anything? Hell no. You live & you learn fsho. I feel truly blessed to have gone through all the things that I went through this year & because of it, my whole mentality of life has changed for the better. I wanna live more (even though I still sleep hella!). Forget living life with restrictions, if you're gona do it -- do it up big or don't do it all feels me!? [;

To be less in depth, I did it up BIG this year! Went to Cali/Reno for a month which made me the happiest of people but also tore me to shreds. Me & the boys threw a banger at the end of the summer which was fuccccckin wild! I chilled with a whooOole lotta new people. ;] Kicked it with hella new crowds. Played the game, got played BY the game. It's all a learning process & I can't say it enough, but I'm glad I dealt with it all. With that said, '08 you been good but I think '09 gonn treat me better!

OH and.. song of the year? ONE NIGHT STAND - JAZMINE SULLIVAN, but nah I wasn't a one night stand at alllll. But jewknow... Can't explain but.. HAHA yeee. [;

thank you.

"There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."

- Chuck Klosterman

So true. As much as you suck as a person & as much as I tried to let you have little influence in my life, you influenced me a lot. & you'll probably never see this. But thanks.

this christmas.

As I get older & the longer I work in retail, the less impact the holiday season seems to have on me. I wish I didn't have to work during the holidays, but I need that paypah. ;[ Anyway, this year was no different from the past. Spent Christmas Eve at my Tita Glo's house & opened presents at midnight. Got Chestnut Ugg Mini-boots from the parentals which was no surprise & a Dooney & Bourke wristlet from my Titas. Spent Christmas Day at my Tito Jhig's house & got some dinero. Ate hella & just spent time with the family. I don't think I'd ever want to spend Christmas with anyone but my family. It's such a family oriented holiday, why would you not want to spend time with them?!

Despite the fact that I did spend time with my family & that I did enjoy myself, I feel like I'm still waiting for that extraordinary Christmas with my whole entire family together. I say this every year & probably will say this until it happens, but I truly envy those who get to spend their Christmas with most (if not all) of their cousins. Lord knows how much I appreciate mine, with the little spent with each other every couple years. If I had the money to, I'd round the whole family up and send them over here just so we could do a big holiday shebang. Blahblahblah. I wish.

OH & I went to mass at 11:30 with the fams and honestly, I was thinking some super not for Church type shit. HAHA. Me & my girls always talk about how during sex, people think about other things. & we agreed that does happen, like thinking about what's going on later that night.. or what's on tv.. or what you're in the mood to eat after sex - yaddayaddaya! This clearly ISN'T something I should be thinking about during church, but it made me laugh. AND THEN lightbulb went off in my head! If we do that during sex, then priests must do it during mass! I mean it's kinda the same thing right? They're supposed to be focused on concecrating the bread & wine, but maybe they're thinking about what they're doing later also! Hahahha ohmaaan, think about it. It's so true! -=P

vlog #1.

randomosity.

Xo SH4L4N3 oX (2:35:38 AM): almost everything about you screams sex

Xo SH4L4N3 oX (2:35:43 AM): well not ALMOST everything

lady g0t s0ul (2:35:44 AM): HAHA WTF

lady g0t s0ul (2:35:49 AM): i dont get it

Xo SH4L4N3 oX (2:35:53 AM): but idk you give off that sex vibe

According to many people who I've spoken with (won't mention who, well obviously beside Shalane), I apparently give off this sex vibe. WTF? Lol who wants to explain that one!? Shrug*

Anyway, I'm finally on break as of Wednesday when I handed in my portfolio for Critical Writing. :) I definately give myself a B- on my effort level this semester. Definately shot up from zero level of effort. I still don't think I did well even with some effort I put in cause my classes were harder. Whatevah. I'm ready for whatever next semester brings ! On another tip besides school & such, just chilled at escuela this week. Played with H2O lots which was fun! Went to GSP & Babo on Wednesday & got hella new phone charms. I should take pictures of them. They're cutes! Headed to Applebees around 10 with my DEEPHERS! which was mad fun. Ended up chillen a lil longer with my biggy & Krissy, talking about the randomest shit ever. I looOove them! :) After we got back, chilled in MJ & Joni's room with all the boys who happened to be celebrating the end of the semester in their not sober states. ;)

Thursday was Roomies birthday,but I woke up hellla early to chill with one of my homies. HELLA THUMBS DOWN & won't even get into that. >=| Afterwards, took a long ass nap then went to Paneras with H2O. Bought Roomie some balloons for her berdday, specifically a Nemo one, Barney & "IT'S A BOY!" one. Hahah hella funny. Got back to campus & got ready to go to UYEES! Yumyum for half off sushi! Spent like almost $50!? Fuck. That means we bought at least $75 worth of sushi. HAHA crazies. Thought I was gona chill with one of my homies when I got back to campus, but I just chilled with Laane. We were talking hella ghetto for a good half hour! HAHA it was hilarious.

Friday I woke up early cause my dad called asking who was gona pick me up & yaddayadda cuz it was gona snow out. Well it did snow HECKA crazy up north, but when I got home - nada! It was okay & drivable. Just stayed in cause I didn't feel like braving the ridiculous weather.

Saturday woke up & went to work. Did nothing for 7hours cause nooone was at the store - yay & nay! Kriqlo came to visit & I hella missed her so it was nice catching up with her. Beez picked me up when I got out & then we headed to the city. I got my tragus pierced ($25) & a new bell for my tongue ($10)! -=) It's hella sore, but I looOove it! I wanna get something ballsier done next. AHH we'll see ! Actually, I'm getting the second hole on my right ear done cause I didn't get it done at the same time as my left ear , duh I know. But yeaeee! :]

Sunday (today/yesterday whtaevs!) went to church then to the hall to set up for my ma's work's xmas party. It was okay and then I started getting hella restless so I left and went home to pick them up a couple hours later. When I got home, I watched the GIANTS GAME! WOOHOOO ! Homefielddd advantage! :DD I'm so souped. Bangin ass plays & yaddayaddaya. WAard shit on everyone tonight! 34-29, hate the number 34 but yayuh! :D

get it in.

anonymous (4:02:30 AM): this is so childish

lady g0t s0ul (4:03:11 AM): what?

anonymous (4:03:23 AM): if u want to get it in too

anonymous (4:03:28 AM): dats all u gotta say

anonymous (4:03:34 AM): not beat around the bush

anonymous (4:03:37 AM): lawl

lady g0t s0ul (4:03:53 AM): lol why is that what youre implying?

anonymous (4:04:04 AM): ok

anonymous (4:04:09 AM): now act slow

anonymous (4:04:15 AM): lol but yea

I wasn't acting slow! I was just trying to see what this person would say, bahahaha

retraction.

I keep letting you back in.
How can I explain myself?
As painful as this thing has been, I just can't be with noone else.
See I know what we got to do.
You let go & I'll let go too cuz noones hurt me more than you & noone ever will.
-- Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill.

I retract the last post for reasons I'd rather not share so hah! Siiike ya minds! I take back the whole "hundred thousand trillion times better" feel good mentality. Sigh* that's life & we go through that lessons learned stage. I just gotta keep on trekking. Trek trek trekking..

Anyway I think I bombed my politics final. I didn't know there was gona be 15 questions on it so I was there for extra long. On the upside, I got an A & A- on my papers! I don't think they count alot, but every little bit helps. With San Jose State still in the picture, I'm still kinda focused but I don't wanna delve into that topic right now. OH & I'm thinking Cali for Spring Break? Hope so. :]

not a player, i just crush alot.

I agree with papi chulo on his stand of BAS. Clearly in my case, N - A - S. Niggas ain't shitttt! I'm keeping him anonymous for HIS sake (I'm too nice of a friend) cause he claims that he's "known all around the world (sweetie)" and doesn't want it affecting his pimp game. Well he didn't say the last part; I'm just assuming.. hahah jerkoff. Gettin his dick wet for nothing.. jaykay. ;] So yes I'm back on my griiind & contrary to last week's heart dilemma, I feel a hundred thousand trillion times better! No, I didn't take one for the team but I'm just got that feel good type state running through me even with 3 finals and a portfolio due in the next 48hours. YIKES?! Whatever. As long as I've got 'distractions' in my life, I'm good. Keeps me entertained fsho!

There's a down side and up side to Big Pun's song Still Not A Playa. I could look at the superficial side of it & think "YEEE! I'm not a playaaa. I just crush alot." On the contrary, I can look at it and be like "ZaAamn playin that much & still don't have nobodyyy." Well right now, fuck the contrary! Winter breaks commin up & just gotta STAY having fun, feels me? Hah okay so random as hell but.. some people just blazed a couple windows down & the smell definately drifted into my room. Smells real good & hopefully I'll have some fun after finals that has something to do with the words we & ed in it. HAHA.. Who's down!? Let's celebrate forrreal! [;

fancyshmancy.

I went to a fancyshmancy "Holiday Celebration" at Hobart Manor with Shalane tonight (er, yesternight?) because she had the most pledges for the phone-a-thon thing that she works for. At first felt hella outta place cause everyone was acting all fancyshmancy until this woman, Dr. Gibson, came and sat with us. She definately calmed the air a whole lot, telling us about herself - a dean at CUNY - Medgar Evans College. After awhile, we mingled & ate (goood food!) and then she came back around to give us business card. We end up speaking to her again & she mentions that someone she had met was an editor of People magazine. At that point, a big huge alarm went off in ours heads & we were all ears. The way she spoke to us about these functions & networking kept me interested. In my three years of being in college, I've never felt so moved by someone. I definately felt her honesty & integrity when she was telling us about how we should go upon things. Once we were satisfied with the quickly learned, life long knowledge she had downpoured upon us we were off. It felt good cause I felt like here we are, taking us under her wing just for the night. Ended up meeting some good people: an former Dean of Study Abroad (?), principal of the Academy of Performing Arts in Paterson, and a handful of people on the Board of Trustees/Alumni Foundation, Mrs. Spert - WPU's president's wife (she was so sweet & even insisted we called her Myrna(sp?).

Despite the awkwardness at the beginning of the night, I felt good when I let there. The best way of dealing with situations like that (never having attended anything of that nature) is to be thrown into it, having no expectations. Aside from the whole business aspect, I felt like I was in Blair Waldorf's world, ahaha, mingling with others over a glass of spiced wine, lox and other hors d'oeuvres. There were hella oldies but goodies, many being benefactors of WPU. But yeah, suuuper good night. As much as I had a good time, I didn't realize how tiring these things could be! Even though it was one function, it gives me an idea of how wealthy people may look at these things. It's like continuing your 9-5 job for another 2-3 hours just so you could get your foot in all the right doors. Hey, whatever works right?

On the other hand, I have 3 finals and a portfolio due for next week. I'm on a time crunch & must finish everything by next Tuesday at 4:30 in order to be able to head to the city on Wednesday & go see Grease on Broadway. :) I'd like to say that I hope that goes as planned, but ha. You know things never do.

& just to end it off. Short story! I used to be.. umm 'cool' (for the lack of a better word - siiike. I just can't mention what kinda cool, but that's pretty obvious now isn't it? ;]) with this person on campus, but haven't spoken with them since.. uh October? I saw this person 3x last week, but they didn't see me. Hella laughed about it but brushed it off thinking okay, that's all. Welllll! To my surprise, as I was on my way to class on Tuesday I saw this person! We were crossing paths & didn't get to say hi to each other I guess cause we were both caught by surprise considering we haven't seen each other since then. Hella laughed & brushed it off again until I saw that person again today! I was walking back to my dorm, you know.. jamming out to some Keyshia Cole & I see this person walking thinking maybe thats the person I know! & well well well it happens to be them! In my head I'm like "Fuck fuck fuck!" and as we cross paths, this person stops me & says hi, asks me how it's going & gives me a hug. Awkwaaard turtle as hell! I haven't seen/spoken to this person all semester and it just happens to come down to the last few days at school when I see them. Totally pointless of me to mention that, but jewknow. I just had to. Hahah okiedokessss. That is all. :)

pride.

It's 3am & I'm feelin all sorts of emo. Been thinking alot about everything. School & someeee..thing/person/one.

School wise - I honestly don't know what I'm doing and I envy those who have the slightest idea and foot in the direction they wanna go in. At least they have an idea as opposed to me. Been thinking a lot about the what if's of becoming something I've been fighting off for the last how many years of my life all because of what? Pride. All because I don't wanna do it cause everyone else doing it. But what if I'm supposed to? What if .. compared to the other 200+ kids in the nursing program here at William Paterson University, I'm the one who's ready & willing to put their whole heart in it? Then I started thinking about the whole thing, the whole picture. Would I be ready & willing to just drop everything here and go to a place nothing like it? Would I be able to drop everything I've known for the last three years and just get up and go? Whole heartedly, I can honestly say I can't. But there's something I know that I would totally be ready & willing to get up and leave everything for. COOKING. Shitttt, I know I barely have experience in the kitchen besides baking, but its stuff like that excites me. It's being in the kitchens & high end food markets that really excites me. I love being around it. I'm stuck. Psychology isn't what I want. If it's really something I wanted to do, then I'd be taking all these super crazy credits for it. I'd be super excited to be majoring in it and super motivated to do what I have to do -- but I'm not. I chose Psych because that's what I need in order to get my masters in Speech Pathology. But it's not what I really want. With my third year here, where does that leave me? Do I continue doing what I'm doing only because I'm pretty much in it (I have 2 years left of psych, plus another 2-3 years with speech pathology)? Do I move on and do nursing, leaving behind everything I've known these last few years? Or do I finally get the balls to put my foot down and tell my parents what I really wanna do is cook for the rest of my life because that's where my true happiness sits? I'm Stuck & helpless.

I've been thinking a lot about something.. okay fine someone also.. & everything that happened between me & him. I hate bringing this up cause I feel like I'm always talking/thinking about it as much I try not to. I don't wanna say I regret it, cause I really don't regret anything I do in my life. But this is something I just wish I thought twice about. Don't get me wrong, I take it now as lessons learned but it's one of those things God had to make me learn, but it started waaaybackwhen I was still in that "haaAy girl! crushin type mind frame" Didn't think much of it, until I started to look back on it & then realized - DUH, there was something there. Okay fastforward to '07 & the beginning '08 with the "okaysomethingwasthere" mindframe. Random phone calls & text msgs, lightswitch emotions & confusing type bullshit. Didn't believe it at first, but then it started getting real good. He started to prove me wrong.. one minute "Gimme a chance, it'll be different" & then the next, the usual nothingness. Built up only to be broken down. Fastforward to the summer. Put me on that giddy type business. I knew what he wanted but still went with it. WHY? Because I liked knowing that I had him around my finger. Stupid stupid me. Did something I didn't think I'd do & then what? Besides already knowing that I've had some type of feelings for him, I copped some more feelings. FUCK - big mess. Being there - even bigger mess. Destructive for me emotionally, but I really had to deal. I was low beyond low. Talked it out or so I thought we talked it out. "So what now?" "What do you mean what now?" "Say what you wanna say or else you'll never be able to say it." FUCK. I shoulda said it. I thought I had more time to. I thought I'd be able to pull him aside for even 5minutes and say "LISTEN. THIS IS WHAT I'M THINKING & THIS IS WHAT I'M FEELIN." Too bad the last day I saw him, my pride took over. I walked around like "NIGGAS AINT SHIT" feeling like "HEY! The old me is back! The old me before this mess came along!" When I saw him, I smirked at him and walked away thinking "HAAAA ! You don't phase me," of course that came with the whole PRIDE deal. & then I left feeling like shit. Thought there'd be time for some last minute fun, but no. Thought there'd time for me to go back to him & finally share what I really felt, but no. It didn't go the way I thought it'd go.. not at fucking all. As much as I still wanted to be there knowing that HE was there, I wanted to get out. Never will forget the day I left. It broke me to tears: "You give it one more chance, just like the time before. But he already knows you'd give hundred more, until that night in bed . You wake up a sweat. You're racing to the door, can't take it anymore. I was burned, but I called it a lesson learned." & then the "biggest mess" happened. FUCK. Hahah okay so whatever got over it. I guess it was a test to see what he'd do but he didn't give two shits about it. It definately showed me his character & how he'd react.. "GOD FORBID." What a disappointment. But despite the fact that the "biggest mess" happened, I STILL have the urge to just run back. & hope he'd be there to run to Call me weak, but there's always that one person who'll keeps fucking up, but you'll still keep going to them. The only difference is that even if you keep running to that person, he's never there. Fuckfuckfuck. Complicated situations.

&then it came to me. Maybe I'm just doing what girls do, overanalyzing things but this is the only thing that seems logical. Sometimes you have to end things right before they begin. Sometimes as much as you want it for yourself - you just pretend to act the opposite of what you really feel just so you don't end up getting hurt. Maybe by cutting it off right before you knew you could start to cop feelings, you'd salvage your own feelings and save yourself some time by not hurting & dwelling over the past & shoulda coulda wouldas. I don't even know if that makes sense, but in my head it does. Sometimes you have to end things just so you don't catch the emotional destruction. Maybe that's what he did. Maybe he played dumb acting like he didn't know what/how I really felt just so he could get me to think it's nothing. UGHHH IDK! Okayokayokay I'm done. I'm done. That's it. That's ittttt. Idk.

Feel free to comment?! SHRUG*

Fuck.

I don't want to major in Psychology but I need to in order to become a Speech Pathologist but.. what if I don't want to be a Speech Pathologist? What if I wanna be a nurse but have too much pride to admit that it's something that I wouldn't mind doing for the rest of my life? Fuck.

the aftermath.

I should be in a food coma right now, but I'm trying hella hard to stay up cause I'm heading to Target in a few hours. Usually I'd say fuck Black Friday & all that, but my motivation is so that this laptop of mine doesn't crash cause I need that portable hard drive that's gona be on sale for $88. Supposed to wake my mom up before we bounce so yaddayaddaya. I wanna hit up Jersey Gardens too cause they're having a 40% off sale at one of the stores I shop at. Yesssir. I wanna get some jeans & some tops and whatever else my mom could get me. Yayyyyuh! :)

Thanksgiving was good! The parents cooked of course.. made some collared greens w/ ham (which is one of my absolute faaaves even though my shit comes out nasty as hell the next day - ahah i know i know eeew) & all the typical white Thanksgiving dishes. We don't do the whole Filipino Thanksgiving deal with Filipino food which is one of the things I love about my fams. It's the one day we get on that typical all-American family status which always ends up being deelish! Unfortunately for my parents, I was a grumpster the whole day. Shrug as to why but I'm sure it annoyed the hell outta them. Whatevs - love you mom&dad, ahah.

Ohhh ! so the whole family is talking & my Tito Jhigs asks me about what kinda dudes I'm into. So I say "Mmm, I like black guys! *laughs*" & the everyone's laughing like "hahah yeah okay she's just saying that to fuck around" type & he goes to yell for my mom: "ROOOSE! Did you hear that!?" Mind you I had just brought the whole what if I went out with a black guy scenario with my mom a couple days ago in which she reacted well to (even though she said "if possible, Filipino..." so it wasn't a complete shock. Well she just snickered and said "Ayyyy Ren! Ang liit liit mo at ang laki laki nila!" (Translation: Ayyyy Ren! You're so small & they're SOOO big!" & now the whole family is helllla crackin up and I'm not completely shocked cause my mom's been on point with the jokes lately & then she goes "Unless that's what you like..." WTF LMAO my mom's crazies. I mean, this is the woman who put "I'm the turkey" on the turkey in the fridge this year. Come on now.. ahahah.

Anyway prior to this all, I was hella thinking about Cali & how I miss itttt so much. As gay as this sounds, I've been day dreaming about it - real talk. Closing my eyes type & imagining it. Imagining myself drive down Sweetwater Road & passing by Super Sergios and shit even driving on Otay Lakes Road passing by Southwestern. I miss the weather, my babies, my famz, the atmosphere.. everything. :[ I wish I could go back for winterbreak, pero no tengo dinero. Zaaamn. I'm thinking maybe springbreak, but fsho I'll definately need to start saving up if that's what I wanna do. I'm really feeling like I left my heart in San Diego maaayne. =(

Arrighty, maybe I'll take a quick nap. I've got a long day ahead of me! Shopping, haircut, eyebrows, etc etc, Club Cache with allll my Willy P heads & whoever else is rollin thru. This should be fun. :) Haiiiights peaceezy!

thankful.

Everyone knows the holiday season kick off is on Thanksgiving, but I feel like these last few months have given me lots to be thankful for. (Not saying the other months haven't but jewknoww haha) I feel like emotionally I've experienced a lot in these last few months & I wouldn't be where I am without the people who helped me get out of that emotional rut. Therefore I am truly thankful for those who were there for me. They've helped me realize a whole lotta shit about myself & about other people.

I'm especially thankful for the people who brought me down to only for me to realize who would be there to bring me back up. I'm thankful for the people who keep me up with laughter & smiles with AND moreso times without rounds of shots & cans of beer. :) I don't wanna single anyone out cause then this whole competition bullshit of who is closer to my heart comes up, but to be reall general lovelovelove to my family, my breast, h2o, jsb|ljsb, my deeephers & all the people who love to see me fall only for others to bring me back up again. So from the bottom of my heart & all of my being, I thank you all.

& yeah, I'm blessed to have a roof over my head, food to eat (even though I'm picky as hell) & all the material things people usually are thankful for. *rolls eyes* This Thanksgiving, it's all about my peoples & I'm feeling truly blessed. =)

this blows.

Hellllla wanted to take one for the team tonight, but fucccck. I think it's mission failed & I think that means I'm drinking up top. DAMMETTTT! This blows.

3 weeks man, 3 weeks. HAHA. Stuck in rut so get me outta it! =\ Anyway, update this later. peaceezy.

male libido recession?

ANONYMOUS: you know what i realized what a pet peeve of mine is now
ANONYMOUS: pple who have the opportunity to have sex but that dont do it

I FEELS HER! It's like the male libido is going through a recession also. Wtfcks going on?! Haha I mean you'd think it'd be the dude feenin more than the girl is, but looks like girls are going after it more. It's like the female race has taken that trait of aggression. & the dudes just turned straight PUSSY. Am I wrong or am I wrong!? Everyone knows that feeling. Homegirls feenin so she tries to get at her homie. He doesn't respond so its like "Ohdaaamn what the fuck?" I mean, real talk. Its happened & who hasn't laughed & hella clowned on their girl other about it saying how the guy must be gay & could ever turn down sex?! Come on.. SEX! Hahah, I mean not that they actually do text back saying "Oh no not tonight" or whatever; but maybe there isn't a text back. Just doesn't make sense. Oh fuck it, the male libido IS going through a recession & the female libido isn't even making bank. Lose lose situation. Hellla thumbs down, lol.

Shalane made me realize something about myself the other day. She's been saying how I have such high expectations & blahblahblah and I always tell her I don't. But we were talking about certain situations in our lives & how all my firsts were good. (ie. first kiss, first cuddle experience, first toy, first hug, first lipgloss, first wink, first cup -- okay I'm making shit up here to fill in for what we were really talking about which is probably really obvious right now haha) That's when I realized, "Shiiiiiit." It's because all my firsts have been so great, I hold such high expecations. I've then experienced my seconds & of course, get hella disappointed cause I think it's gona like the first time. Thumbs down(!) & nosireebob. It hella sucks on my part cause then it's hard to be content in some aspects. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LIFE! But like I said, there's some aspects in life that need tweaking cause of all these bangin ass firsts of mine. HAHA. Fuckkk man. Life just knows how to kick my ass. :) sarcasm on the smile on myface*

I kinda decided this awhile ago & have mentioned to some people, but one day I'ma marry a football player (or ex-football player). Like linebacker status.. or shoot any type of big defensive player. HAHA I mean I'd probably be funny standing next to him but whatevs. I decided that this is what's happening & it will happen! Siiiike, we'll see. Thought I should just throw that in there. But okaaay. That is all. Peaceeezy beezies!<3

upset.

People are so fucked up these days. Doing & saying shit to make themselves better than the next person. No, I'm not talking about some dog eat dog business world type bullshit. Nah not that kinda stuff. More like you're both sitting there wondering about a person, but you (person a) got the bigger balls to ask the question & then she dogs on you (person a) like you're the dumb one when you're then one trying to find answers cause it was BOTH OF YOU who didn't know the answers. Am I making sense? Oh oh and then you have the balls to say some unnecessary shit like "Oh you're just mad cause... " Come the fuck on. & you know.. It's real friends who will tell you the shit you DON'T wanna hear. It's real friends who will be the most honest with you -- wouldn't you rather hear it from us than someone else?! I mean, unless you don't consider us your real friends. Fuck maaaan. I see this whole thing as grimey. Hella uppreciative bitches these days. Yeah you may say you appreciate the things people say/do for you but hello - actions speak louder than words so watch yourself.

Aside from this bull, life has been bueno. Friday was dope. Sat real goood with my sisters then crossed 6 new women! Yayyuh! So excited to finally call them my sisters. :) Stopped by Sonics on the way home which was yumyums. My mom took me shopping at Jersey Gardens when I got home, but I unfortunately was too tired to shop - who would've thought!? Still nded up getting 4 shirts & then just passed tf out on one of the benches while she went off to shop on her own. Thumbs down for trying to have a mother/daughter bonding session & passing out. :[

When I got home (b t dubs, this all happened on Sat), my broski, Adrian & Jasper were waiting for me so we could hit up the FIND afterparties in S. Plainfield. Ended up waiting for Miron, Steph, Jay, Irwin & his cuz Kyle to roll through to my house and then headed to the Liquor Locker to pick up some 40s - yayayyyuh then headed to the Holiday Inn where everyone was chillen for the night. Kicked it in KringKring's room til everyone got back from FIND. It was chill as hell & then hellla random as niggas (literally) started comin in and we were like wtf? Lol, whatevs. Started making moves around the hotel & saw hellllla people I haven't seen in literally days! From what I remember - I started off in Cris' room to pee, got separated from my boys & then I happened to bump into Marc & followed him to Boysie's room to chill. Met this girl's bro(!) - hella small world. Too bad I forget his name. Called the broski & JSB down to pick some shit up from some chick & then Irwin happened to know her so it was like hodaaamn? Headed out to Adrian's car where we beaner styled 6 niggas in his small ass car. After that I couldn't take so cooped up in there so I sat in Ben's car til I saw some S. Plainfield niggas! Salaam (sp?), Tom & James! I seriously don't know what happened after that. Well, I kinda have an idea but not in the order that I think it happened? Haha I know that I lit up again with J & that shit was dope . OH & who could forget drinking in the bathroom with Teptep? You know that shit don't get no better. HAHA who tf hides in a stall & takes swigs from 40s & Capt. Morgan?! Bahaha we craazies. Towards the end of the night I know that me & Matt had a talk that seemed like it was madd deep, but I don't think it was lol. He kept singing " we maaajor we maajor!" But yeah overall it was a bangin night! I know that I was mumbling mad shit on the way home but yee. Twas a goodnight fsho. :)

Definitely a weekend full of celebrating. Celebrating what? Can't quite mention it, but yeah. Bittersweet to say the least. Real bittersweet. The beginning of this week was Deepher Dude. That was dope cuz mad people came out to support & we raised $550 - almost double of what we got last year. The tonight we had TKE Sweetheart & my pledgemama #2 won! I'm so proud of her! :) Yayyy mama#2 Alyssa! :)

Don't really wanna end this on a sour note, but whaaatevs! I haaate when dudes text/IM you online then you see 'em in person & you get the "i'ma pretend like I don't even know you" kinda look then when you part ways they do the same shit again. Helllo? You're mad lame bro! Hahah okiedokes. Peaceeeezy!

christmas materialism.

I made my Christmas list. My bad on the materialism. I'll update later.

-- white nintendo ds lite.
-- cooking mama 2 for ds.
-- black shiny quilted bowler by marcjacobs @ the special items store in soho. :]
-- chocolate or muscade/nutmeg colored le pliage longchamp tote bag.
-- the queens r kings 2 t-shirt by jeepney (sz xl).
-- unisex purple acid wash pullover hoody from american apparel (sz xl).
-- unisex bright orange bat wing hoody from american apparel.
-- unisex flourescent coral highlighter california fleece zip hoody from american apparel (sz xl).
-- black powerstretch northface gloves (sz xs).
-- dance lesson here >> Melekini Polynesian Dance Studio.

ramblings.

Still feeling like crap. Been resting a whole lot & playing Tetris on Facebook (when facebook is working. Willy P has the worst i-net connection ever). I don't get how Gerard cleared 40 lines in a minute & a half; mine's 2 mins & 27seconds. :[ Hahah whatevs. Hoopsmania was last night. Willy P stays poppin - no pun intended please, lol. I love how everyone gets mad hyped up & shit. Even all the puti people(!), although they should chill sometimes cause it's like oh heyllll no you better not be doin that shit here at Willy P, hahah. This school is mad black. I love it and always will so of course I was in heaven. =P Dudes were lookin too good foreal. Maaan, too good lol. OH and of course I saw manigga TYRONE. Don't think he saw me but whatevs. That woulda been totally awkward turtle, whoops haha.

Anyone see Usher's Trading Places video? Tell me that isn't the hottest thing you've seen?! HOMAAAN. Like at 1:25, 2:05, 2:56 -- especially 3:52 the way they get all breathy on each other. *SIGH.. so hot. I think everything we've/I've talked about this week is sex related. Feening much? SIIIIKE. I'm just saying. so hot. So so hot. ;] Anyway, don't feel like typing a whole lot, so I'll entertain with pictures all from the past few week(s).

Here's my brandspankin new legit LJSB fitted. Yeee, yee! Not that I really rock fitteds. Eh, scratch that. I don't rock fitteds but you know. Had to get it for the fratority - however we're calling this brother/sister/family+hood. SUP JSB|LJSB?! Left hand stays legit, soowoosoowoo !

I was up on my mommy status on Sunday & made some monkey munch. Idk if anyone can recall, but Kate Gosselin (from Jon & Kate plus 8) makes it for her children. It's hella good! I mean, I especially love it cause I love peanutbutter & chocolate together. :) It was really easy & foolproof, just a little messy. One of these days I wanna make a specialty version of it using Nutella. Mmm, I can only imagine how that'll taste. Yummmyyy!

Last but not least! One of my biffs Shalane writes for the Beacon & she usually puts little things that my rooommie & I say into her articles when she asks for our opinions. Two weeks ago, she asked me the above question. I couldn't think of anything til I remembered, "Duh! Education!" So I said what I said & of course forgot about it. Welllll, I didn't think she was gona really put in what I said but she did and when I finally saw it two days ago, I was helllla laughing! Only I would say that but yeah it was funnies. There was a picture of a girl above me who had mentioned something that seemed intellectual. Jenny said that her picture (I guess cause the girl didn't look so great) made it seem like what she said, is what I would've said. Intellectual & meaningful. But what I said is what the girl woulda said - mad raw. HAHA. Well whatever cause I am who I am. Renee-Rose maadapaka Garcia. :)

continued misery.

So by the sounds of my schedule, I'm fucking myself in the ass. Of course at 2 in the morning I have this surge of motivation that will probably only last through my dreams while I'm sleeping tonight, up until the millisecond before I wake up. I'm planning on retaking General Bio & Anatomy & Physiology (cause I bombed them), Basic Italian I (decided to completely restart on my languages cause I definitely fucked up & thought that placing into a higher Spanish was gona be better when duh, it obviously isn't), hopefully Social Psych online (if I get the clearance which I hope I willl!) & one more class, preferably another Psych class. It'll end up being 17 credits but '7' classes. AHHHHFACK. What am I getting myself into!? =T To add onto that,I'm planning on taking Music Appreciation during the winter to get my GPA up so that I'll be a little more set just in case there's any chance at all of me going to San Jose State next Spring. I need to stay on my grind f'sho. Start praying for me already! Bahahahh. Siiike not funny. ;[

Anyway, the 80% Greek event we had was okay. This speaker Nick Zuniga came & talked to us about how we should go about our Greekness around campus & how to better promote ourselves. It wasn't anything I haven't heard before so eh. I was pretty much miserable through the whole thing (& still am) cause my nose was stuffy & I kept coughing. ARGH idk where this sudden nose action came from. It's so annoying and I know I'm gona wake up tomorrow morning with madd clear boogies running outta my nose. Grosss haha.

OH & went to Mitsuwa with H2O today/yesterday - whatevs! Ate lunch & just talked for awhile.. mostly about h2o's favorite topic - sex! HAHA. We have the most interesting .. situations foreal! Got creamyakis then walked across the street to get some more paper stars. Got myself a Keroppi notepad & wallet too! So cute. :) Walked back to Mitsuwa and bought some random stuffs then headed back to campus. Good day. Very.. tasteful. Hahhh! I think me & the rooomie are going back later with Ash cause she wishes she was Asian & wants to get up on her Asian-ness. What a loser, lol. OH & one more thing.. FACEBOOK DOESN'T WORK ON CAMPUS?! Wtfcks going on!? Gaaaah! It's so sad to say that we're so addicted but jewwwknow, it's hard! Hahah maybe it's for the better. *Shrug.. Wellll, off to bed I go. Peasss!

misery.

Estoy muy miserable! My allergies are hella acting up for no reason. I keep sneezing & my nose is running as if the muscles in my nose just gave up and were like 'go faucet status on her!' Haha, ohhthis blows. Have to be at this 80% Greek event tonight but I feel like I'm dying. I can barely keep my eyes open cause I've been sneezing & blowing my nose so much. Not sure why the connection but you know when you stay sneezing & it just fucks it all up? Yeeeah, that's how I feel. Hopefully it won't run for forever days just so I could finalllly get up in bed cause I only had like.. 4 hours of sleep last night cause I was studying for my politics exam which I probably Hiroshima bombed. Whatevs on that. Random but.. I wanna get a new tongue ring cuz the one in my mouth is hella long. This needs to full heal though but it's taking foreverdays cause I keep playing with it. I can't help but play with it; it's naaature to do so! ER I'll update this again later. Peaceeezy.

eventual nostalgia.

Being at such a good place in my life right now scares me so much. I'm scared to be this happy cause I'm scared something bad is gona happen. I mean, I'll just have to roll with the punches but it just freaks me out. Its as if I'm waiting for that one day when everything is just gonna come crashing down. But you know what? I shouldn't have to feel like it's just gona come crashing down. I shouldn't think about it crashing down period. I should live each & every day to the fullest & happiest capacity. It's not gonna be all blue skies & sunny; I'm gonna just have to take my umbrella out and deal with the cloudy skies & rain that will eventually come my way. Live for the moment & put aside the thoughts of "Maybe I'll get fucked over tomorrow." Yeah.. YEEEEAH ! :)

Anyway, yesterday (er Friday) while I was waiting for Ben to get outta work I bumped into Thenegard & his brother Claude! I went to elementary school with Then & we were always tight til we went to separate high schools. Barely saw each other through HS but when we did [see each other], it was still like nothing changed. He seemed like he was in a rush so we exchanged numbers, said we should chill & said temporary goodbyes. Then Ben got outta work & I mentioned that I saw them so he went to go say hi and we stuck around & talked for a bit. Still the same old crazy Thenegard! Forever tellin people "YO, she's mad chill! Renee's my girrrl!" HAHA & of course this time around was no different. Looks like he got a good head on his shoulders, doing the nursing thing. STILL wants to be a doctor like back in the day. Shoooot, I applaud him for that no lie. At least one of us really knows where we wanna be at.! =X Hella made me laugh when he was tellin us 'bout some girl who kept blowin up his phone but was like "Yo when it comes to other girls its like fuckkk them, Renee's my girl foreal." I really appreciate our friendship & I'm glad we still got it like that even though we haven't seen each other since (well okay the ChopFest but that barely counts cause we were both drunk lol) forever. Hopefully I'll get to kick it with him soon cause zaaAamn it sure has been awhile! =)

OH & hella kawawa face cause Fusion-Ti is closing! I mean yeah it'll still be there, but it isn't the Fusion that we all grew up and kicked it at. In HS it used to be a hardcore kickit spot til.. we slowly grew up & then it had Edison enforced an 11pm curfew put on it instead of the open til late as hell early morning hours & yaddayaddaya. Major thumbs down! Its like throwing away a box of old notes from friends and just slowly letting go of the memories - HAHA as cheesy as that sounds. But real talk, RIP Fusion-Ti!

doing me.

Not really sure why I started another one of these. Maaaaybe cause the actual xanga I have on the side is a little more "private" to me? Of course that makes no sense because anything on the web isn't so much private, but whatevs!

Anyway, so what's good with MY life? Pretty much everything! Well not so much GOOD GOOD but I've been pretty content with the way things have been going in the last few months. I mean obviously there are days where it's not as good as the previous, but I'm content. Nothing SUUUPER BAD although, I do feel like it's a crime for everything to be going this.. well & for me to feel this content. It's as if I'm waiting for something rrrreally bad to happen, but it's good that I've been trying to maintain a positive mindframe, nahmean?

School has been okay. I'm getting through, but I need that extra push. I really wanna be an exchange student somewhere (specifically SAN JOSE STATEEE! =DD), but my grades aren't quite up to par with the subpar requirements. I'm not proud to say that I'm not up on those requirements but whatevs. I blame it on taking BIO my first semester in college only to realize that being a chem major isn't what I wanted to really be & then of course pledging the following fall.. Oh pledging.. It'll take me how many more semesters to recover from that big fall, but I will slowly but surely make it back up.

My social life has been dope! Every weekend is something different. I've met hella new people which only means more homies to kickback with. :) Trying to balance the school+play deal & that's been working out. My sorority sisters & I have been bueno! Honest to God, I never thought I'd say I love it (compared to last semester, ayyy) - but I do. They're dope ! Loves it. I do miss my pledgesisters though. =T I miss spending like 24/5 (hahah) with them running around all craaazy. *sigh. I did see my Tbonkski last week but it was just different. It felt as if I was "just another person" to her & that just... killed me. =T JSB is the bomb as always. My mom's always asking why I'm always with the boys but it's like duhhh. I don't have any homegirls from..